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The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.
1. Pay tolls with bills
2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot
3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it
4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two
5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April
6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons
7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.
8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines
9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom
10. Chew other people's pencils
11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
12. Wear large hats during the movies
13. Touch strangers
14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus
15. Bite your dentist's finger
16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads
19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems
20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa
21. Tell people they have bad breath
22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
23. Flirt with a friend's spouse
24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team
25. Shake with your left hand
26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.
27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
28. Drum on every available surface.
29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
31. Honk and wave to strangers.
32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Annoy Cops
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42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"
43. Ask to see his gun.
44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!"
46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!"
47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.
48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.
49. Refer to him by his first name.
50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
Annoy Your roomate
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51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.
54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
57.
56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.
58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
59. Speak in tongues.
60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
61. Walk and talk backwards.
62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
72. Eat glass.
73. Smoke ballpoint pens.
74. Smile. All the time.
75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.
80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
81. Dye all your underwear lime green.
82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
91. Shave one eyebrow.
92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
93. Put horseradish in your shoes.
94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
95. Always flush the toilet three times.
96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
98. Give him/her an allowance.
99. Listen to radio static.
100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test
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102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
103. Beep your horn at everything.
104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light
105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
107. Fill your car with beer bottles.
108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
110. Swear at everybody on the road.
111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it UP.
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Questions that will always remain unanswered
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
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Ways to irritate a Telemarketer
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm
so glad you asked because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the hell she could know you from.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,
"I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they
cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't
want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's ya been?"
Tell them to talk V-E-R-Y V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y, because
you want to write down EVERY WORD.
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A collection of some of my favorite jokes.
I'm usually not a big fan of jokes.. but once in a while if I hear one that really makes me laugh.. ill post it here. Enjoy.
-Pub-
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
-Dazed and confused-
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
-Arabs-
It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"
-A Hippie-
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
-Stutter problem-
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m"
-Fascinate-
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
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How To Beat A Speeding Ticket.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
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